Looking after ourselves as Autistic People

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Narcissistic Behaviour & Gaslighting

Looking after ourselves as Autistic People

Peer Support Mar 2022

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What is Narcissistic Behaviour?

These are behaviours that are manipulative, cruel, dishonest, arrogant or exploitive.

A narcissistic person will engage in these behaviours because they have a grandiose sense of self-importance and an impaired sense of empathy for others. They will believe they are entitled to break rules and hurt someone to get what they want.

They will use social skills to get away with this, which autistic people may be especially vulnerable to.

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Key Narcissistic Strategies

• Love-bombing – Making you feel really  appreciated at first to gain your trust, then becoming cruel and unreliable

• Projection – Accusing you of the thing they did, as a means to avoid responsibility

• Creating Mistrust – Making you distrust your friends, telling one thing to you and another to other people, or using rumours to target someone for mistreatment

• Gaslighting – Making you doubt your own  memories or understanding so they can get  what they want

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Why?

There are many causes, including fragile self-image, personality disorders, upbringing or trauma. Even organisations can act in a narcissistic way (like a HR department that ignores complaints or conveniently loses paperwork to persecute a member of staff). 

The cause is irrelevant, as any abuser will stop at nothing to get what they want and will not be reasoned with. 

What matters is that we recognise these behaviours so we can be ready to defend ourselves against them.

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Gaslighting

The aim of gaslighting is to make the victim falsely reject their own understanding of events and accept what the abuser wants them to believe.

This can be done by:

• Telling them they are remembering it wrong

• Saying they didn’t say something they did

• Talking over someone’s version of events

• Telling someone they are unreliable/confused (by calling them crazy, forgetful) 

• Changing/ignoring the subject

• Flat-out denial

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Examples

• “You sound unsure about exactly what  you remember.”

• “I would never say that.”

• “No, I’ll tell you what happened!”

• “You have a terrible memory, you’re always getting things wrong”, “That’s just your anxiety making you imagine things.”

• “I’m not talking about that”, “That’s not relevant.”

• “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

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Healthy Disagreement

Normal, good-willed disagreement sticks to verifiable facts. It is unconcerned with the other person’s character or ability to remember and stays on the topic at hand.

A healthy person is unafraid to be challenged and will defend themselves (if able) with the facts as told from their own perspective (and can admit both strengths and weaknesses to that). They will use ‘I statements’ such as “I saw” or “my opinion is” and not try to dictate what happened.

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How to Defend ourselves 1

Remain Calm. This is not easy, but it is necessary. Any emotion you show will be used against you. It can help to grip an innocuous object very tightly or take occasional sips of water. If you have an advocate you can ask them to request breaks.

Keep the Evidence. Have written and other records ready and to hand. Refer to it and refer to it again if they ignore it. Always insist on a recording if you are meeting with someone who may try to gaslight you.

“Nevertheless”. This can be a magic word if they try to side-track you with another topic, convoluted logic or dismissive remarks. Say “Nevertheless,” and restate your point or return to the correct topic.

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How to Defend ourselves 2

Be Assertive. Assertive does not mean aggressive. If you are being gaslit. just state you have a different perspective and don’t agree. Or say that you recall what happened differently and that you trust your own memory.

Advocate for yourself directly and respectfully. State plainly that you will not be talked over or tolerate insinuation or being blamed for things you haven’t done. State your position and restate it as necessary in a calm, even tone.

Limit Contact. Above all have as little to do with an abusive person as possible. Beyond bland politeness, give away as little information or emotion as possible when you talk to them.

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DISCUSSION

→ The key difference between Gaslighting and a misunderstanding is that gaslighting is intentional.

→ Many of us have had experiences of gaslighting at work or from “friends”. We recognise how taking things at face value makes us susceptible to this.

→ It is a confusing paradox how narcissists can inflate their ego and appearance but secretly have a very fragile self-image.

→ Healthy self-image values and tries to improve the self but also honestly admits shortcomings or faults.

→ Autistic people can be accused of being narcissistic because we can be blunt and miss social conventions. This is mistaken for a lack of empathy. 

These are behaviours that are manipulative, cruel, dishonest, arrogant or exploitive.

A narcissistic person will engage in these behaviours because they have a grandiose sense of self-importance and an impaired sense of empathy for others. They will believe they are entitled to break rules and hurt someone to get what they want.

They will use social skills to get away with this, which autistic people may be especially vulnerable to.